Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Hall Marked For Life

Even on holiday in the UK, I cannot escape the baffling, highly addictive Hallmark Christmas movies. It always goes something like this; a small-town, care-free guy who loves the holidays really hard is constantly encouraging those around him to embrace the Christmas spirit. His leading lady is typically a Cameron Diaz meets Kate Hudson hybrid in her mid 30s. She is unwed, childless, cheerless, and up for a promotion at some firm or corporation. She cannot properly balance her work ambitions with a functional romantic life so she is forced to choose between one or the other when she approaches a pivotal fork-in-the-road moment. If she is in a relationship prior to meeting this jean-wearing mama’s boy, he is equally as flawed as she in his personal life. Both are unable to fully commit to their union but pressure from society to stick it out, no matter the emotional cost, has prevailed. Something unexpected happens and they are soon pitted against one another in the face of a long distance relationship, a missed flight, a missed connection, a missed flight connection, a business deal gone wrong, or a fancy fiancée mixup.

This forces the female lead to flee to a quaint town in New England from the Big Apple. It is in this candle scented, candy cane decorated town that she meets a rugged, scarf wearing, secret CEO, Santa Clause spawn, joy seeking mother fucker who whisks her away from her lonely life into the sappy arms of romance. He paints or welds for a profession, possibly even a diner owner. If she is really lucky then this humble Joe operates a year round holiday themed bed and breakfast in memory of his deceased mother. In some instances his mother runs the B&B alongside him and she is constantly encouraging him to calm this wild, city woman with his backwoods charm.

When the two leads first meet they bicker and flirt hard enough to chisel initials into a lead pipe, trading tit for tat in a leisurely manner that slothfully unfolds. They eventually find common ground and they bond over hot chocolate, food trucks, and cats. Slowly they realize that along with the Christmas parade float that they have been building with a group of overprivileged white kids in a warehouse that is about to be seized by an evil mayor they have also been building a foundation for a proper courtship. With seven minutes left in the story they throw caution to the wind and get married in a barn, surrounded by all the village idiots who covertly nudged them into their nuptials. She surrenders her profession and settles down in Christmas Town, USA, with the guy who looks more likely to fix her leaky sink than salvage her love life. THE END.

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This entry was posted on December 12, 2015 by in All the Funny Things, Ellyn Ussery, Smear Stuff, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .

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