Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Footlose

What if I told you that there was a product on the market that promised to promote better balance and could build muscle in your feet and legs, but the only way to obtain this desired outcome was to expensively run around wearing something that made you look like a complete idiot? Would you fork over $100 bucks in order to jog around like a native in the rainforest? If you did buy into the bullshit that is the Vibram FiveFinger toe shoe then you are entitled to compensation thanks to a $3.75 million dollar class action lawsuit. Turns out that barefoot running experience was as authentic as the hair atop Donald Trump’s head.

Years ago, when the country was recovering from the clunky Doc Martin phase, Crocs came on to the experimental footwear scene and captivated the crowd. The revealing holes on the side of the soles created scandal from campus to cubicle. No one thought that there would ever be a shoe more full of shit, parading around on the feet of millions, flaunting its foulness in front of family and friends alike. Once the masses were tired of looking like adventurous slobs they set their sights on a new shoemaker, one who could offer the basics while charging the maximum.

In steps the FiveFinger toe shoe. In no time, millions of American’s abandoned all decency and began wearing the shoes on and off the jogging path. Guys in cargo shorts were wearing them to the grocery store, while ladies had no problem putting them on with sweat pants and skirts. With the promise of more muscular feet and better overall core balance, who could resist? I’ll tell you who, anyone with common sense and an eye for fashion. Those shoes are as useless as a Segway and as lame as a Bluetooth. If you were dumb enough to buy into this scam you don’t deserve your money back, instead you deserve a swift kick in the ass. If the shoe fits it does not necessarily mean you should wear it, especially if that shoe makes you look like a total moron.

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This entry was posted on May 16, 2014 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .

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