Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Horrorscopes!!! May 2014!!!


Redundant – Time and time again you go for the jugular when telling it like it is. Try to repress the rash reactions that lead to being instructed to put 500 feet between you and the ones you love. Jupiter’s sudden shift in the atmosphere will likely contribute to your demise, but embrace the chaos and be prepared for parole.

Goober – Air is not intended to be gobbled through your gapping mouth, instead try gently snorting oxygen via your nose holes. Open mouth breathing is a silent epidemic that quietly squashes promotions and causes peers to despise you. Keep that jaw locked and your nostrils busy through this heavy solar cycle.

Sloppy – You have been described by many as the office prankster but this month’s planetary reorganization will reveal that the joke is actually on you. Be prepared for childish retaliation by the water cooler, in the break room, and near the employee restroom. Bob in finance has never gotten over the time you stuffed day old Paella in his desk drawers before Labor Day weekend.

Zinger – Ride the center stripe all the way to your destination! Lanes only hold you back from realizing your maximum potential. Honk at the slightest annoyance and barrel through yellow lights. Let the unpredictable dictate your every move.

Hand Out – The “what’s theirs is yours” mentality is prevalent in your sign when Saturn skips rocks on Uranus. Don’t let a lack of funds stop you from charging everything at someone else’s expense. Money doesn’t grow on trees and designer jeans are not cheap. $$$!

Toadie – If you are still waiting for that royal kiss, please do yourself a favor and stop. Get used to frozen dinners and quiet evenings curled up with a cat and the remote. Optimism is your greatest weakness so drape yourself in a comfy fleece and count the lonely hours that tick away in between People’s Court and The Wendy Williams Show.

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