Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

SXSW 2014 Horrorscope Predictions

Tis the season of the badge scarf, my friends. With Jupiter sagging low in Uranus there are truly not enough trees to cover us all so bring your sunscreen. Fader fort fedora fashionistas clash casually with trust fund dread heads. When pedestrians and peddlers collide near the convention center you know the cosmos have partially aligned.    


Dungaree – At least one Foddie with a crumb littered beard will be jaw scalped when his face pubes get tangled in the spokes of a fixed gear bike, scraping his chin clean. This will prevent him from competing in the ‘Old Before Ye Time’ facial grooming contest that opens the Blues Traveler showcase. Don’t let that guy be you. Stay clear of a low hanging moon this month.  


Zooba – Some can barely handle the weight of gravity while walking on two legs, let alone awkwardly peddle through aggressive downtown traffic. Beware of physical and mental humiliation via unskilled bike riding. Stick to the sidewalks and steer clear of overhead construction.


Trash Talk – Recognize moments of exhaustion. Do not be afraid to hunker down near an unrecognizable urban landmark and take a load off. Stay close to statues and flagpoles. Forever stamps will only get you so far in this city.        


Poser – Do your homework! When Aquarius is skinny dipping in Saturn’s Pond be sure someone who is skilled in CPR is stationed in the vicinity. Sing along if you know the words. Sing alone if you dare.


Ellyn Ussery



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