Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

December Horrorscopes!

This month’s segment is dedicated to the Year of the Pickpocket. Swiping and swindling is your forte. It’s time to get those fingers sticky and spy on only the wealthiest. 

Jack Knife– Your time is precious so stop selling yourself short. Surround yourself with loud environments! Spend your quiet time listening to loud synth beats. Blast the volume on whatever device is currently consuming your time. Detect a moth in the darkness for a surprising result.  

Lily Pad– Floating through life is not your preferred mode of transportation. Attack that pogo stick with all your might. It’s strictly vertical formations from this moment forward, my friend. Jump at the slightest opportunity and grasp to reality with all your strength.


Fiddle Faddle– Although you were weaned from the saxophone at a young age, tis the season to defy the haters and get that reed moist between your lips. Host a recital in your home, inviting only those with power and influence. Dreams are meant to be lived, not reduced to hobbies.

Dance Dance Revolution– If you were a Brady, you’d be Jan. Don’t let that deter you. With your wits and your wardrobe look for love on the horizon. Meet, greet, and introduce George Glass to anyone with doubts. Parade your affection in public like no one is watching. Dance like you’re under a microscope. Caveat emptor is your motto, your mantra, and your myth.

Blumpkin– Be afraid, be very afraid. Stay out of the water and under the covers. Trampolines and waterbeds are safe places to rest, but be weary of any off-roading device or air-propelled appliance. Be brief with your explanations and reiterate your point. Keep extra band aids and ointment in the cupboard.    

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This entry was posted on December 2, 2013 by in All the Funny Things, Ellyn Ussery, Smear Stuff, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , .

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