Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Horrorscopes!

Doctor Cynthia Levine is a graduate of the College of Mental Telepathy and Astrology, where she majored in Herbal Tea Chemistry and Urban Meditation. After college she started her own Approximate Astronomer practice. With fifteen years of planet tracking experience Doctor Cynthia brings an enormous amount of direction to any planetary or solar equation of the emotional persuasion.  

 

This Month’s Featured Signs

Sacrilege (Virgo): Your moon is rapidly reversing around retrograde. During this cycle you need to be weary of powder based beverages and shellfish. On the bright side there is an abundance of chocolate pudding and pistachios in your digestion future. Keep the whales swimming and the crows clucking and a major mental breakdown might be avoided.

Blue Tooth (Gemini): With the sudden decline of confidence you are feeling while your planet passes out of Mercury, make sure to take time to avoid the unavoidable. When the doorbell rings, hide. Stay silent when spoken to and be sure to cut out any unwanted eye contact. Slouched and rigid is the best posture to practice through this bumpy solar cycle.

Cappuccino (Scorpio): You will start to see that your chalice is actually half empty. This whole time you have measured your wins instead of your loses, which has hampered your grasp on reality. Rein in that gusto and embrace the cynicism that pulsates through your icy veins. Bypass the route less traveled and jump on the expressway to gather the strength to make it through this Jupiter planet shift.   

Jellybean (Taurus): Tuck in that shirt and press those pants! A hot date awaits you as your spirit soars above Uranus, dipping gently into Pluto. Wash your hands regularly and trust anything that the opposite sex says. Spend freely and preserve nothing as your moon shoes shine like a gold tooth. Constellations may shift during this progress so be prepared for a huge let down when the planets finally settle after the next eclipse.    

Flamerage (Pisces): Keep your facial expressions as bland as your oatmeal. Raisins are an eyesore and sugar upsets the belly. The unfortunate astrological shift your sign is adjusting to means fewer financial opportunities. Count your coins before you buy the chicken.

Mediocre (Cancer): This is your month! Those Beanie Babies you thought had no value have now spiked on eBay! Turn that failed college fund into a fun investment! Maybe a wakeboard or a used sail boat. The tide is creeping in on your youth so make a rash purchase to offset the downward spiral!

Airhead (Aires): Ignore the warning signs because this is love, my friend. Take a moment to reflect on your personal relationship and assess all the accolades ‘he’ or ‘she’ is thoughtlessly hurdling your way. Does the gesture fit the final reward? Yes means maybe and no means later. 

Sloth (Aquarius): Clutter is like a first date. Initially you believe that you want to see the item again and again so you hide it in your shed for later review. Then when the bodies, I mean junk, starts to pile up you really start to ignore the problem. All I am suggesting is that you clean out that skeleton filled closet before the bones start to bleach.  

 

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