Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Witchcraft History Highlights

From Bette Midler to Melissa Joan Hart, there have been a bevy of famous witches running amuck through history. Where did it all begin, you ask? Let’s start in a sleepy little village called Salem. Smear Campaign explores the definitive history of witches in America. Ken Burns, eat your heart out!

 

1692- Salem Witch Trials begin. A bunch of horny teenage Puritans, under the spell of Tituba,  take to dancing to island beats around giant bonfires, much to the disapproval of the township elders.

 

1775- As Paul Revere was rudely waking the countryside, apprentice witch Martha Marshall Mathers McCarthy was practicing her sleepwalking abilities. The two collided just outside of Lexington, causing Revere to momentarily forget his objective. Luckily Martha was able to snap him back to reality, averting a historical disaster.    

 

1792- The 100-year anniversary of the Salem Witch Trials gives birth to the biggest gathering of historical reenactment actors to ever hit the Eastern seaboard. Vendors of potion bottles and buckled loafers realize the huge commercial potential of alchemy.

 

1848- Grand High Witch Zelda Willows lands in California to participate in the Gold Rush. After casting spells on unsuspecting miners, she is able to slip out of Sutter’s Mill with enough gold to make two golden broom handles.

 

1906- Feminist witch Gertrude ‘Gabby’ Fellows pickets with the famous anarchist Emma Goldman. She is arrested after causing a blustering wind to topple the opposition.     

 

1933- Dust Bowl witch Mary Jenkins invents the first mobile food truck. She feeds the poor and downtrodden from the bed of her beat up pickup truck. “Victuals for everyone, no matter their creed or color,” was her traveling motto.   

 

1969- Woodstock groupie witch, Lilith Rufus, becomes the first woman to successfully trip on acid, LSD, Opium, and Mary Jane while staying dry as the rest of the revelers wallowed in waist-deep mud.   

 

1992- After laying low for many years following the great World Wide Witch Debacle of 1984, all modern, urban witches converge on the National Mall for a massive pow wow. By the end of the two week conference, witches were once again viewed as equals.

 

1993- Disney makes the classic witch flick ‘Hocus Pocus’.  Booooooooook!  

 

1996- Hollywood witch Sabrina, the Teenage Witch flies on the screen with her meddlesome aunts and her talking cat named Salem. Special effects had never been so special.  

2000- The Y2K disaster is averted when Darby Richards, renowned witch computer hacker and spell caster, cracks the millennium code by rerouting Napster to the hard drive mainframe. Free music for everyone!

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This entry was posted on September 19, 2013 by in All the Funny Things, Ellyn Ussery, Smear Stuff, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , .

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