Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Things I Learned Before Noon

Before the afternoon sun set into a sidewalk sizzle I was able to obtain some slightly useful information about some of my fellow female street stompers.

1.) Young women are feverishly adopting the Diane Keaton look. Loose fitting overalls accompanied by a stiff bow tie and an uncontrollable floppy sun hat seems to be the hottest trend on the street.

2.) Janis Joplin might still be alive! If Weekly World News were still in print I would send them a photo of this woman I saw standing in line at the CVS. She was dressed in Joplin’s signature tie dye ankle length dress and giant sunglasses, beads and bracelets banging up against the checkout counter as she rummaged through her straw purse for enough change to pay for the twelve tiny bottles of assorted wines she had huddled in front of her. If Tupac and Elvis can successfully live in secret why can’t Janis? She seemed really mellow and groovy for sure.

3.) Brunch is basically over priced eggs and watered down champagne, but that does not stop certain people from dragging their crippled bodies to a crowded café on a muggy Sunday. The patron in question sweated like her immune system was being ravaged by a raging fever, paired with side splitting stomach cramps. I cautiously looked behind me in case men in biohazard suits rushed passed me in attempts to bag the walking Black Plague host before she made her way to the buffet.

4.) Some people get a real kick out of paying for nothing. Like every other caffeine gobbling American, I found myself in an excessively long line for coffee. No need for a mocha on the rocks with a splash of foam, or a double express espresso whipped caramel calorie surprise, just a plain cup of coffee is all I desired. As the line slowly dwindled my patience seemed to do he same.

Finally I was only one customer away from the counter. Fingers crossed, I put the course of my day in the hands of this stranger. If she made an outlandish request I would go around the rest of the day cursing her and her stupidity, but if she kept it simple I would offer to buy her beverage. The ball was clearly in her court.

“Can I get a decaf, fat free milk, no sugar cappuccino, please?” My jaw dropped when she basically requested brown water in a cute cup. The audacity of this woman! There were only two things that could make this right. One was an apology from everyone now waiting in a second line to collect their specialty drinks, but since that was never going to happen I settled for option two. That mint chocolate chip frozen Frappuccino sure tasted good fifteen minutes later. If you can’t beat them, join them has always been my motto.

-Ellyn “The EMU” Ussery

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This entry was posted on July 16, 2013 by in All the Funny Things, Ellyn Ussery, Smear Stuff, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , .

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