Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Desperately Seeking Jessica Cantu

Jessica Cantu, where are you? Let me narrow this down…Jessica Cantu from San Antonio, where are you? In even more detail…Jessica Cantu, who was expelled from the tenth grade after slamming a fellow classmates head into a wall until her nose bled, I’m looking for you! You were the baddest bitch on the block with an attitude heavier than the eyebrows drawn onto your face. We became friends in the sixth when you told me I was weird. I was holding a tuba in music class at the time but your friendly acknowledgement made me feel safe.

For the next five years I watched as you slapped, clawed, and pulled your way to the top of the social ladder. You might not have been the hottest or the smartest girl in our grade but you could beat the holy shit out of anyone, and I fearfully admired that. Passing you in the halls was tantamount to crossing a well-respected Don. No one dared to defy you, because when and if they did blood was bound to pool at the feet of your enemies.

Tenth grade World History. The smell of moldy text books and sopping wet jock straps wafted in between the stale classrooms, stifling the already stagnate hallways. Minutes before the tardy bell was set to ring and still Jessica’s seat was empty, leaving me only to assume that she had once again been sentenced to in school suspension or maybe she simply decided to skip class for a 40oz Slurpee and a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

That was until I saw Jessica and her fingernails latched onto some unfortunate girl’s skull strings. Apparently her opponent happened to have mentioned Jessica’s boyfriend in a passing conversation. With all the furry of a windmill in a tornado the power with which Jessica clawed at her face was terrifyingly fascinating. Before coach Walker could restrain her, Jessica had one last Maury move up her sleeve.

The handful of bangs Jessica managed to remove from the victim’s forehead left little room for error while performing her final jab, yet somehow the brutality she managed to publically inflict was beyond memorable. With skull splitting speed and KO accuracy Jessica grabbed her scratched up classmate and began slamming her head into the wall, causing blood to gush from her nose. By this time everyone caught in the furry watched awestruck as multiple football player types attempted to loosen her wicked grip on the bruised up broad. As quickly as it started it was over and Jessica was gone for good.

Compared to other schools in the district ours was tame. The most outrageous thing that had happened up to that point was when some underclassmen got caught toilet papering the goal post before homecoming. This was epic, this was brutal, and this was by far the greatest thing I had ever witnessed first hand. Schoolyard justice is a bitch and if you aren’t careful you will get bitch slapped.

As time has passed I still wonder about Jessica. Have the years been kind to you, Jessica? Do you have a Facebook account I can access? How many children do you have? Are their names Ricochet and Respect, because if not they should be? All curiosity aside, I just want to thank you for being the toughest chick around. Wishing you the best.

Your weird friend,


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