Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

It’s All About the Benjamin Franklins

Anytime there is free Wi-Fi offered at a coffee shop there is bound to be some kind of weirdo settled at a table, gobbling all the generously offered free internet and beverage samples available. They can range anywhere from latte loving passive aggressive poets to obnoxious cell phone exhibitionist who get a high from publicly exposing their boring existence.

So there was this guy. A guy in crisp khakis, a button down shirt revealing his carefully styled chest hair, and slickly laced shoes. He sat down at the table behind me. He blabbed into his blue tooth earpiece with over caffeinated energy. The watch he wore was three times the size of his wrist and the excessive amount of gel in his hair paired well with the chunky leather bracelet that let potential business partners know that he was a little bit edgy. Criss Angel edgy. His disrespectful attempt at channeling Michael Douglas in Wall Street was as sad as it was annoying.

Coldplay shamelessly oozed from his laptop while he Tweeted every mundane aspect of his lunch break. I’m sure #lonelyhousewife4life totally enjoyed reading, in 140 words or less, what he had eaten for a mid afternoon snack. His true nature was vividly exposed when another Young Republican type walked by his table. He stopped the hurried suit who obviously had no interest in talking with the Matthew McConaughey wannabe.

It is apparent from his hacky display of confidence that Zack Morris was this guy’s hero growing up. If a camera were following him around on his self-obsessed journey there would definitely be way too much eye contact with the audience. Once he released his anxious victim back into the real world he was left alone at his table, scanning his emails for any newly posted weekend warrior Groupons.

Not sure if there is actually a point to all of this rambling description. It’s not like he threw a cappuccino in my face, tossed me two Benjamin Franklins and said, “Go get yourself cleaned up, doll.” It just comes down to character. Although this stranger’s mannerisms repulsed me and the pitch and tone of his voice cringed me, he continues to stand the test of time. With the gusto of a lead actor who only possesses the talent of a supporting role, baby Zack Morris Michael Douglas McConaughey left me with more answers than questions and for that I am thankful.
Ellyn Ussery

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