Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Here Comes the New Shirley Temple

Like all great forms of entertainment that capture a large audience there is almost always a predecessor who can be traced back to the craft’s roots, someone who first paved the way for future stars with an exciting new song and dance. In Alana Thompson’s case, the TLC reality star also known as Honey Boo Boo, she has only one woman to thank for her unapologetic success, and that is none other than the perpetually spunky Shirley Temple.

I know it sounds harsh, like I am blaming one of the greatest American film icons for the pure visual and verbal trash that is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but I am honestly not. Nor am I bashing Honey and her family full of calorie bloated parents and siblings. The opposite entirely, because over the course of a mini HCHBB marathon I came to truly love the Thompson’s and their flare for coupon cheap toilet paper, June’s famous Crocker and ketchup sauce, and the endless string of fart jokes that replace everyday manners in the household. Let’s face it people, overweight white trash is the new pin stripes and tap shoes so get used to it.

The thing that links these two child entertainers is their ability to function in the adult world. Alan handles life’s road blocks in the same way Temple tapped her way out of every pickle she got herself into on those MGM back lots. A little bit of natural charm and a dash of maturity can take a kid right to the big time stage.

Sadly a bar top at Applebee’s is the new vaudeville stage, so it is no surprise that Alana was filmed dancing for dollars at a bar in Statesboro, Georgia, while her mother June cheered on the distasteful antics. Although this is an outrageous thing for a parent to endorse with such glee, can June really be blamed for her poor parenting decisions? In my opinion, a thirty-two year old woman whose life expectancy does not feasibly exceed a decade has to cram in all the fun and memories she can with her children before she has a fatal heart attack or becomes completely immobile due to her self inflicted obesity.

Obviously giving a child a Go Go Juice concoction of Red Bull and Mountain Dew to keep her perky during pageants and wig shopping is probably morally wrong and possibly physically harmful to a six year old, but it is no worse then Judy Garland had it during her mentally and physically agonizing run as one of the most over worked children in Hollywood.

Can I see Alan Thompson one day slurring through a performance of ‘Over the Rainbow’ at Carnegie Hall, possibly. Can I picture Alana as the US ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia somewhere down the road? Probably not. Sure she might end up a fat hag addicted to alcohol and pastries, or she might surprise us all and become the host of a beloved daytime talk show. Either way the turkey tumbles there will be a mountain of feathers for Alana Thompson to climb in order to maintain mainstream popularity. The assent will be brutal but the rewards will outweigh the failure. Good luck Honey Boo Boo and I mean no disrespect Shirley Temple. Long live the precocious child entertainers that make us forget wars, depressions, and reality!

-Ellyn Ussery-

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