Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
In 1998, there was no time in between writing in my deeply uninteresting journal and vividly daydreaming about someday coaching the second gold medal winning Jamaican bobsled team to properly commit to the late evening teen drama Dawson’s Creek. Did I mention that Whoopi Goldberg’s turn as the Knicks coach in Eddie proved to have a lasting impact on me? Sadly that dream died when Whoopi started wearing papier-mâché pilgrim moo-moos on daytime TV. Sadly sloppy is the new casual.
As the years passed and the various stars of the hit teen drama went on to marry A-list celebrities, appear in films directed by legends like Scorsese, and star in grade D classics like Teaching Mrs. Tingle To Tinkle and Mighty Ducks 5: Soviet Assault, I decided it was finally high time to go back in time and see where all of these actors got their start in show biz.
Initially I wanted to complete an epic compilation of 128 days of Dawson, but by minute ninety-three into my first viewing session it became apparent that a new format was going to have to be used in my research. At about minute 120, which comes out to roughly two episodes and the beginning of a third, the mind begins to boil and boggle. By that point the plot as become so unbearable and the dialogue simply starts to drivel out of the character’s mouths that listening to Gilbert Gottfried sing Don Giovanni would be more entertaining then watching these poorly portrayed teenagers repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
But like any great guilty pleasure there is a moment in between the boredom and the climax that grabs hold of your soul, propelling you towards future participation in the thing you seem to loath the most. Dawson’s Creek is my favorite mistake. My approach to this experiment will be simple, swift, and sporadic. Sometimes I will have the urge to plunge eyeball deep into 128 minutes of aggravating teen drama, but I am making no promises on when a conclusion will be reached. Enjoy.
SEASON 2/EPISODE 5
* Jen slaps a stalker named Abbey.
* Dawson and Joey cuddle on a date.
* Dawson’s parents open-relationship double date at home.
* Jack questions Joey’s overall negativity.
* Jen reveals to her sailor date that she got caught having sex on her dad’s 300 count sheets.
* Abbey mildly rapes Dawson.
* Gran stops Jen from having sex on the antiques dinning room table.
* Joey displays bad customer service skills while providing a widowed homeless man with bottomless coffee refills.
* Homeless widow tips Joey $100 and a suicide note for her services.
* Joey makes out with a co-worker to celebrate.
* Slow dance montage.
SEASON 2/EPISODE 6
* Abbey and Jen are on speaking terms.
* Joey suggests inviting Jen to prom with her and Dawson.
* Pacey’s girlfriend has a crazy mom, a dead brother, and a gay brother.
* Jen and Jack blind date.
* Dawson and his parents have awkward divorce talk on the screened in porch.
* Loud wicker patio furniture.
*Fog machine on dance floor.
* 1996 Swing revival coming to life in gymnasium.
* Dawson’s mom cries into kitchen sink.
* Score is 10 to 24 at prom half time.
* Pacey pines for popular cheerleader, who happens to be Billy Madison’s 4th grade teacher.
* Joey betrays Dawson at prom dance.
* Andie is super annoying. I see an eating disorder in her future.
* Dawson punches Jack to celebrate his betrayal.
* Dawson’s dad eats Chinese take out in a motel.
* Dawson’s newly single mom slips into the casual look of a high school softball coach to cry over the sink.
* Joey and Dawson fight in a parking lot as their peers looks on.
* Jen gives Jack a slightly depressing pep talk at the end of their blind date.
* Dawson’s dad peeps like a Tom on his flannel wearing, weeping wife.
* “Closer Comes the Hour at Hand” -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_H6OVqmL2Y
* Andie gives Pacey mad props.
* Joey cries while sitting on an antique treasure chest.
* Accusations of pulling away fly. Heavy.
* Joey breaks up with Dawson!
* Dawson says, “I love you!”
* Joey says, “I love you!”
* Joey climbs out the Clarissa Explains It All window ladder! She runs off into the woods like a rabid shape shifter.
* Dawson kicks the rain gutter off of the roof.