Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Seven Things You Missed Without a Cell Phone

When I hear people say, “I just could not live without my cell phone,” I become nostalgic for a time when ‘leave a message at the the beep’ really meant something. If you were out of the house, in your car, or at school there was absolutely no way of being reached. Not that the current connectivity that a cell phone offers is not appreciated or impressive, I simply long for the days when being tracked down was harder than searching someone’s ‘checked in’ Facebook status. Seriously, no one really cares if you are noshing with co-workers at a Chili’s.

What follows is a list of seven activities missed out on while without cell phone access:

1.) An impromptu barnyard rave shakedown by vigilante DEA agents at the Louis Oswald Summer Camp on Lake Ru Paul Golden Pond River Phoenix. Those were some real messy mugshots.

2.) Those scarecrows won’t dress themselves, revelers. The Ladies of the American Revolution need your help decorating for their annual Headless Horseman Ball. Fortunately you dropped your Black Berry in brown water the week before so you were unable to respond to this mass text from your great-aunt Tilly.

3.) The whole family is going on vacation to Florida and your Uncle Randy has requested the room next to yours with the enlarged key hole for easy peeping access. Too bad you missed this highly inappropriate text from your step mom detailing your travel arrangements.

4.) The Penske files project presentation has been bumped up and will be given a day early. Yikes! Instead of chaotically cramming with neurotic, over caffeinated co-workers the day is spent shamefully shuffling around your apartment in your underwear. Luckily you challenged your I-phone to a starring competition the day before and upon losing tossed the device into your zen pond.

5.) Steam bath Yoga and your pushy pal Karen are repeatedly calling your credit-less Cricket phone, but day drinking and people watching while riding on the city bus speak louder to your sense of duty. Spending time with spooky strangers is sometimes more relaxing than down ward dogging with an overly chatty girlfriend.

6.) Giving your digits to three clingy bitches at Club 911 may seem like a good idea after three Red Bull infused whiskey drinks but do yourself a favor and accidentally leave your mobile in a trash bin while on your way to bitch #2’s four-wheeled crib. In avoidance of any more awkward genital run ins it is recommended that you dispose of your cellular digits in hopes that they end up floating in the Hudson with the other garbage.

7.) Text message bullying is the new hallway hazing. Instead of crying alone into your Sponge Bob shaped pillow at night, which eventually leads to private wrist cutting and hair plucking, embrace those knuckle sandwiches and bare knuckle beat downs by borrowing a friend’s phone to tape the footage. YouTube is the new Judge Judy.

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