Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
For the past nine years ABC’s the Bachelor has been a plentiful source of endless tears and embarrassment for its willing contestants. A typical episode usually contains one gut wrenching breakdown but last week’s episode was an epic display of humiliation that lasted more than twenty minutes, a virtual eternity in reality television time. In this particular instance it was three weepy women who decided to air their slightly stained emotional laundry on national television.The first woman to unload her insecurities into the always-watchful camera was former Hooters waitress Blakeley. When her sexy, slinky salsa dancing on Ben failed to quench his appetite for sensuality, Blakeley presented him with a post dinner scrapbook she had assembled during the ample amount of free time she acquired prior to her two-on-one dates with the Bachelor. Once Ben got a good look at Blakeley’s Junior High School inspired cut and paste scrapbook his sexual organs shrunk up into his stomach and he had no choice but to send the titty shaking, ass wagging VIP cocktail waitress packing.
Second in line for public humiliation was Casey S. Leading up to this episode I had no recollection of this contestant speaking to the camera or ever really interacting with Ben the Bachelor, but apparently she had a dark secret to hide that kept her on the sidelines. After being pulled aside in private, behind a sliding glass door in the courtyard adjacent to the living room, Chris Harrison revealed that three people had tipped him off about a possible boyfriend back home.
A long, grammatical error laced explanation ensued and Casey was instantly sent back to the windy city. Hopefully she gets that therapy she alluded to in her tear soaked apology. Her makeup smeared wail will go down as one of the greatest reality television breakdowns of all time. Casey was willing to sacrifice true love for the act of marriage, pleading to the gods to stop her from loving her commitment-impaired boyfriend.
Finally we get to lucky lady number three, Jamie. With no kiss from Ben in the bag, this little Ms. Dandelion decided that it was time to take their friendly physical contact from strictly hugging to aggressive crotch-on-crotch straddling. Throwing herself at Ben like an uncoordinated schoolgirl into the lap of an attractive college professor, Jamie began awkwardly whispering into Ben’s mouth in hopes of luring out the perfect kiss.
What conspired between Jaime and Ben as their date continued will forever identify her as the worst kisser in the history of reality. She started by mapping out a path to passion with specific directional queues for Ben to follow, starting with closed mouth pecks, culminating in a spit-swapping explosion of tongue-on-tongue lip locking.
Unfortunately Jamie was unaware that her skewed quest for sexual healing had skin crawling qualities scary enough to churn the inner mechanics of her unprepared audience. She was a doomed warrior on the field of competitive matchmaking. A well-groomed citizen pushed to the boiling point, causing her to gush heavy amounts of well-edited rambling and scandalicious make out moves. Giggling into Ben’s mouth seemed to be the final act of Jamie’s epic tragedy. One ripped dress later and it was time for Jamie to gather her tank tops, bikini bottoms, various straw hats, and whatever dignity she had managed to retained and take the humbling journey back home…back to reality. Oops there goes gravity.