Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
Since the Swine Flu did not turn out to be the tragic epic everyone projected, before you get too comfortable, we would like to inform you about the next hip pandemic crisis.
Louder than Mono and much more sensitive than Herpes, the newest disease sweeping the nation is Scarlett O’Hara Fever. The only drug on the market to cure the illness delivers a strong dose of humility. The medication is called Oxycotton-ball Liquid Codone.
Swallow a hearty teaspoon of the pride elixir once a day for three weeks and all that ails you should disappear. Besides the constant case of rosy cheeks and the lackadaisical demeanor, here is a quick list of some of the symptoms to be aware of incase you fear you might have contracted the social illness:
*Unexplained racist rants at the dinner table
*Uncontrollable swooning at the sight of shirtless men
*Periodic pouting over spilled milk and other such affairs
*Ravenous appetite, but birdlike eating habits
*Excessive eye rolling at every little annoyance
*Skipping becomes the preferred mode of transportation
*Prone to wearing gaudy jewelry to bed
If symptoms persist contact your doctor and ask for a bottle Oxycotton-ball Liquid Codone and let the healing begin. Like all good things in life there are some concerning side effects to taking the medicine that we feel obliged to tell you about.
*Loss of dignity
*Sudden urge to gamble the family plot away
*Trouble keeping strong opinions to yourself
*Hugging family and friends for an uncomfortable amount of time
*An uncanny ability to succeed at any lawn game. Cricket, Croquet, etc.
*Referring to anyone that dry cleans or folds your clothes “Mammy”
If you begin to display any of these side effects discontinue use immediately.