Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Soap Sadness

Since the tender age of ten I have been a dedicated viewer of the daytime soap opera One Life to Live. Recently, ABC decided to cancel the classic show after more than 40 years of entertainment in favor of a thirty-something cooking show. Barf.

To commemorate my commitment to the drama fueled, hour-long soap opera here is 4 things I am really going to miss about watching One Life to Live:

1.) Mother vs. Daughter multiple personality battles. Lots of pushing out of windows, violent hair brushing, unexplained curtain fires, and psycho mirror gazing occurs when these bi-polar forces collide.

2.) Miraculous medical miracles. The citizens of Llanview, especially Blair, seem to have an unlimited number of lives to live. I don’t know how many times an accident victim can sustain 3rd degree burns, be crushed by a collapsing warehouse, become punctured by multiple stab wounds, or stay physically fit during a three week hostage situation before their body gives up.

3.) Rapid child development. The Llanview water supply has definitely got some sort of hormone growth issues going on because these kids grow quicker than weeds in an abandoned lot. From infancy to puberty in the flick of the channel.

4.) Extravagant wealth amidst massive unemployment. Unless they work at the police department or at a bar, no one else in Llanview seems to have steady employment. It is as if a gaggle of trust fund babies moved into one town and never left.

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