Top 5 Messes I Would Never Clean/Pick Up
Recently I was witness to a grown woman who pooped her pants. What she let behind was much more than a stench.
As I watched her walk away in handcuffs with a huge smeared shit stain on the back of her tattered Adidas wind pants and shit sliding out of her Crocs, I was definitely repulsed but determined to never clean up after another human being as long as I lived.
Soon a mental list was assembled and there was no going back. In no particular order, one fistful worth of things that I shall never clean/pick up:
1.) A discarded tissue- Isn’t that how the Black Plague came about?
2.) Used wooden ice cream sample spoons- people practically make love to those things when they are eating gelato.
3.) Missing dental retainer- There is not enough hand sanitizer in the world to make me want to pick one up off the floor barehanded.
4.) Graveyard condom- Let me just reiterate that there is something super creepy about someone who would fornicate on a gravestone. So many angles, so few excuses.
5.) Courtney Love’s examination table after a gynecological visit- “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s a sore.” I’m thinking too many pusstual fluids and not enough paper towel absorbency to properly wipe the mess clean.
*Readers, please feel free to share with Smear America something you would forever refuse to clean/pick up.
