Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Smear America Science Exclusive: Consumers Reveal Best Birth Control Ever

If you may be at risk of getting pregnant unexpectedly there is a new form of contraception treatment that has garnered unusually high levels of success. It is called Sensory Enhanced Grocery Shopping. These revolutionary teaching methods apply real life examples of failed parenting so that the patient gets to see first hand the adverse affects a bratty child can have on your health. 

‘Their tantrums turn into your troubles’ product motto pretty much sums up this exciting new way to stay baby free. Watch as little Jimmy smashes bags of pita chips with juice boxes while waiting in the check out line with his nerve frayed mother. Take a good look as Molly and Riley Banks touch the sampling tray with their filthy little hands, menacingly licking the tongs before throwing them back into the bowl. Observe as the Tomlinson twins engage in a ruckus round of ‘tag you are it’ directly in front of a very large wine display. 

There is a three week shopping session to choose from or you can enroll in the more intensive nine week session that includes actual interaction with the rowdy heathens. If you want your womb to be as empty as your heart then we recommend the Sensory Enhanced Grocery Shopping alternative to the vaginal anchors, bulky chastity belts, monthly shots, and the pesky pills that have clouded the scientific field of birth control for years. 

Next time you go shopping for those kitchen essentials be sure to listen for the screams, watch out for the messes, and make eye contact with a struggling parent. One look into those pleading eyes is enough to make you abstain for quite a long time.

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