Smear Campaign

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The Suspender

He was a man of far too many words but his voice was welcome in the halls of the drab community college. Ethics was the subject and my classmates and I all seemed to be more transfixed with what an incoherent middle-aged man had to say than the professor.

At first glance this unassuming student looked like a deranged chicken farmer. He wore a poorly buttoned flannel shirt tucked into mildew stained jeans with a supportive set of red suspenders every single day. His mismanaged mustache went well with the extra thick frames that slid down his nose with every bursting declaration,  which slightly chipped away at his credibility.

No matter how deep the discussion had become in the classroom the Suspender had absolutely no problem belting out whatever was on his mind at the moment. At first it all sounded like gibberish, but when you listened close enough there were flashes of brilliance mixed in with his mud tongue rambles. An obvious fly on the wall kind of guy, the suspender took in what he saw around him and verbalized it.

There is a small chance that this fellow was a victim of war in some capacity or he just naturally lacked the appropriate number of brain cells to realize that he was repeatedly interrupting the learning process with his loud, sometimes startling interjections, but no matter, I found him a fountain of meaningless sayings that brightened my day.

Like any good detective I seized to record any and all class notes to focus entirely on the Suspender’s oatmeal mouth gibberish. Below you will find a small compilation of what I feel to be the Suspender’s most philosophical quotes. Enjoy…1.) “How would you feel if you were aborted? You might think it funny.”

2.) “Rich and poor both meet makers.”

3.) “Is it the Democrats that want to kill our slaves?”

4.) “It is not right for our leaders to kill babies.”

5.) “Dentures!”

6.) “Put firewood in the water to raise the sea level and make an island.”

7.) “Incest makes a weaker nation.”

8.) “How did Disney get all that land?”

9.) “Oil pockets radiate heat.”

10.) “Who can afford a waffle cone with cherry ice cream and whipped cream? I can’t afford one, it would crunch in my hand.”

11.) “Express news, express news!”

12.) “New York City, with those buildings falling  and the vibrations underground.”

13.) “Albertsons left town. H.E.B is here.”

14.) “Citizens don’t like their kids.”

15.) “So this is Philosophy, the study of life.”

16.) “Tent makers and life insurance policies are hard to get.”

17.) “How much does Tapioca cost?”

18.) “I’ll flip a quarter up in the air and leave you behind.”

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2 comments on “The Suspender

  1. leahneiheisel
    January 30, 2011

    truly amazing.

  2. D.d. Riles
    January 31, 2011

    I’m in loof with this mystery man. Like send out a craiglist ad and see if we can find him!

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This entry was posted on January 30, 2011 by in All the Funny Things and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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