Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
Today is the day we nationally celebrate the biggest lie in American history. Kids get to miss school and banks keep their vaults closed. The postman won’t be ringing even once today because this is a federal holiday, folks.
Let me get this straight, this is the day we commemorate the sailing of three ships (The Ninja, the Pinto, and the Santo Maria) to the North American continent lead by a spice trading Italian with a flair for navigation. From what I understand, following his arrival in the “New World” Chris and his crew of jolly sailors/settlers roamed the shores of America, making loads of friends along the way.
First they foraged for food in the foothills of their new-found land. Along the way they ran into a tribe of super skinny savages who they taught how to grow corn and kill turkeys. Then they built badass mud huts for the scantily clad natives who had previously been loafing about the country side pitching something called a tee pee. At around 5pm on that first day in America, Chris and his tolerant band of explorers held a festive feast for their new friends at Plimpton Rock.
As Columbus and his pals marched deeper into the heart of the virginal shores of America they were sad to see that so many of the ungodly Indians were suffering from a wide range of ravaging diseases called chicken pox, smallpox, yellow fever, whooping-cough, scarlet fever, the bubonic plague, and syphilis. Instead of turning their backs on the suffering natives Columbus and his highly skilled doctors gave the sick locals medicine and the word of God to help the Indians live on and preserve their ancient cultures.
Once Christopher and his crew had collected all of their much needed scientific data on the New World they packed their bags and quietly headed home, but not before they gave the native people of America all the tools they needed to maintain a productive and healthy lifestyle.
That is why every year on October 11th or 12th; the good people of North America remember all of the great things Christopher Columbus did to settle the civilized world. Thanks CC, don’t know where we would be as a country without you.