Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
Taking the Greyhound Bus is almost always a hassle-filled experience. The rickety seats in the waiting area are surrounded by overpriced vending machines, and the non-stop blare of CNN coverage lets travelers know that America is cracking down on illegal immigration. Aliens beware.
The travelers scattered among the rows of seats are usually toothless, overweight, or strung out on some kind of undersink huffing agent. You are more likely to see a pay phone in use at a bus station than any other public place. Scrunchies are worn around almost every wrist and tattered Starter jackets are still in style.
Once you board the poorly ventilated bus it quickly becomes apparent that quite a few of your fellow passengers do not use a trashcan as often as they should. If you find a clean seat, grab it. Even if you have to share an elbow rest with a leper, there’s nothing worse than settling into an unidentifiable thick, crusty stain while wearing shorts. It is the closest you may come to contracting an STD.
Before the driver leaves the boarding lane for the highway, the driver secures themself from the rest of the riders behind a plexiglass door. The route to your desired destination is always the long way and it is riddled with nondescript stops in rundown towns.
As unappealing as this mode of transportation sounds, sometimes you run into the most unforgettable characters. The last time I rode the Greyhound to San Antonio, I sat next to a guy who took the term traveling light to a whole new level. He carried with him three things: a hair brush, a ragged copy of the Holy Bible, and a bottle of chocolate Axe body spray. Did I mention that the guy was bald and this bottle of candy-scented cologne was what he considered a bath?
The whole ride down to San Antonio he slept on the Bible he had propped against the window. When the bus pulled into the station he slowly woke up and began to repeatedly spray his underarms and his crotch with the Axe. Hopefully there was a woman waiting inside the station for this light load sugar daddy.