Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
There is a nasty rumor going around that some schools across the country are going to require all of their scholastic passengers to wear seatbelts while riding on the school bus. Have you ever heard of anything so outrageous? The only kind of person to enforce such a dangerous rule is someone who has never suffered at the hands of a school bus bully.
Although the installment of the across-the-chest-belts is initially seen as a safety precaution for the children, I guarantee that the devices will quickly become weapons of torture. Can you imagine the extreme Indian arm burns that could be created by a thick seatbelt on the scrawny arm of a band geek? Cello recitals will never be the same once these props are in place.
Despite the downfalls of school bus riding, like extreme verbal abuse, anal ripping wedgies, relentless taunting, endless airborne gems, and petty theft of book bag belongings, is it just me or are school buses one on the last places a kid can freely bounce around while going forty miles an hour. Hanging my head out of the side of my elementary school bus making faces at passing drivers while my friends wrote foggy obscenities on the back window is one of my fondest memories.
In keeping with adolescent tradition I hope that kids the world over will reject this new seatbelt policy and continue to remain rowdy and disorderly while riding from the comforts of home to the confines of a school-house.
*Another thing to remember; if you are the victim of any sort of backseat bullying I hope that you fight back with all the vigor and valor of a knight in sparkling Trapper Keeper armor, because if you don’t fight for your rights no one else will.