Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

The Crystal Palace Tribal Tattoo R & R Center

Do you have a tribal tattoo  that is making you sick? Are the snickers and giggles you hear as walking through everyday life becoming an embarrassment to your pride? Do the thick black lines that spiral your bicep remind you of a drunken night during Spring Break 1998, when you picked the pattern off of a wall and had it unceremoniously inked across your flesh? If you find yourself wearing long-sleeved shirts and pants year-round to cover up your past mistakes you might find our services quite helpful.

At the Crystal Palace Tattoo Removal and Rehabilitation Center we cater to the physical and emotional needs of any and all tribal-tattooed bodies. After a preliminary counseling session our certified doctors will decide what cleansing path is right for you.

There are three methods that we use to eradicate the tribal body art:

1.)  Punishment = Pain = Purification – This is our most extreme method of removal that includes an entire crystal scrub of the tattooed area. We literally scrape away the image with an ancient crystal. After the area is devoid of all ink we clean the layer of new skin with sea salt and coco butter until the bleeding stops.

2.) Smaller than a Breadbox – This method of removal is specifically for those smaller mistakes that can usually be found around the ankle, along the rib cage, on top of the feet, and scattered across the back. A crystal-laced loofah is used to gently tear off the eyesore without the intense crystal-to-epidermis approach listed above.

3.) Floatin’ Down Denial – 27% of our patients are brought in by concerned family members and friends who cannot stand the sight of the tribal tattoos on their loved one any longer. Although the bearer of the design might still find his or her choice of body art exciting that does not mean that we all feel the same. This method inundates the patient with hard facts and righteous truth about tribal tattoos. Once a muscle man finds out that 65% of tribal tats, if actually deciphered by a native, actually mean “I like to have my dick sucked by a cow,” and “I am a sissy girl with an image malfunction”, they tend to succumb to the removal and are more than happy to be given a fresh start.

Once the tribal art is removed from the body every patient is assigned to a counselor who is sympathetic to their needs and keeps them from making the same horrible mistake twice. After a series of sessions the patient is allowed to leave the facility and face the world with clean skin. A book of fake tattoos is always given to the patient before he or she leaves the premises, a friendly reminder that scrubbing a mistake off with a hot wash cloth is always easier than having an ancient crystal gridded into your flesh.

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This entry was posted on July 13, 2010 by in All the Funny Things, Smear Stuff.

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