Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
Like most children with the itch to run-a-muck in a department store after hours of fruitless browsing with a distracted parent there comes a point when threatened punishments have no meaning and authoritative limits are pushed.
In 1995, after spending eleven years as a productive member of my family unit, I was dropped off at the local “safe haven” (aka an Arby’s parking lot) after running full speed through the aisles of a Big Lots while shopping with my thrifty mommy. Two destroyed displays, thirteen gallons of spilled Hawaiian Punch, and one wet bunk bed mattress later and I was out on my ass.
Thankfully after my mom drove away in a huff I was picked up by a couple of professional cheerleaders who were on their way to a company picnic, and after hearing my story over a round of hot Roast Beef sandwiches they took pity on me and let me go with them.
The next few months were filled with tedious needle work. Since Karen and Bobby Juniper were housing me for free they expected some type of work on my end, so it became my job to mend their costumes for regional competitions. That all came to an end when I acted a fool on a bead buying trip to Hobby Lobby.
Mrs. Trouser Underpants Fosterage Facility was the next stop on my journey of childhood homelessness. Sure there was the sloppy porridge for breakfast and the under-sized potions of scalding chicken broth for supper but the company was good and I soon fell into a comfortable routine.
Nine months passed before my mother decided to come and collect me. Call it Catholic guilt or maternal instinct, whatever it was I was well glad to see her. Quicker than you could say Bob may or may not be your uncle I was tightly wrapped in my mom’s warm embrace. The time apart had made our hearts fonder. Her patience seemed to have calmed.
Not to say that her reaction to my misbehaving was not extreme, but the sobering experience made me realize all the great things about having a mom. Here is a quick list of why I love my mama:
1.) Although she may have charred every piece of meat she has ever cooked, at least she never poisoned any of her kids with E. coli.
2.) Who else would have forced to me to watch The Elephant Man and Pinball Wizard with a straight face?
3.) My shoe laces did not learn to tie themselves.
4.) A spanking from a familiar hand is always more appreciated than that of a strangers.