Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Scream! You’ve Got Mail.

In an age where goofy looking glasses are required to watch most movies there is still hope for a film that reminds us of better viewing days gone by. From the creators of Never Been Fucked and Dildo and Bloatus, comes a horrifyingly romantical family comeydrama that will have you cheering for love and cringing at the blood bath brought on by a disgruntled father figure all in the same frame.

When a stay at home dad doubles as a slasher by night the small town of Rock-a-Bye, Rhode Island, is suddenly thrown into a murderous panic. Starring a hyperactive Meg Ryan and an impotent Tom Hanks, the quintessential whimsical urban couple, there is little room for failure when these two corny mega stars join acting forces. With special guest appearances by Christina Ricci and Dakota Fanning as feuding conjoined twins, this flick is literally like having an optical illusion thrown at your eyeballs.

After Charlie Riggs (Hanks) is laid off from his job as route master at the local post office he is forced into the role of Mr. Mom, a position he finds too humiliating to deal with. With his marriage of the rocks and his conjoined daughters constantly bickering, Daddy decides to take his unemployed aggression out on a string of popular high school girls who willingly enter his home.

As Carolyn Riggs (Ryan) begins to flourish as the town’s top  real-estate agent there is a constant flow of clients and cocktail parties that consume her time, leaving her husband and fused children behind for a career oriented lifestyle.

In a desperate search for something to do, Mr. Riggs begins making flyers for a few of the local girls who offer outstanding babysitting services. With his extensive knowledge of the community, and the addresses of most every citizen, Charlie begins the arduous process of luring hot, money-grubbing teens into his home.

His first victim, Japonica Shawntel Jones, gets slashed while cleaning the cob webs in the upstairs guest room. Little Rosie Lindel never had a chance when Mr. Riggs advanced on her as she scrubbed the tub in the downstairs bathroom. Poor Janet Quark, caught dilly dallying on the job cost her more than a scolding. A kidney and a severed wrist is a hefty price to pay for playing video games while the twins built mud castles in the living room.

In the pursuit of business success Mrs. Riggs drops all parental duties, making it easy to ignore the obvious signs of something horribly amiss on the home front. Blood plastered on the kitchen walls, an assorted collection of fingers in the fridge, and the ever-present smell of rotting flesh in every room raises not one eyebrow on Mrs. Riggs’ heavily Botoxed forehead. It is not until the twins show her their father’s diary that Mrs. Riggs realizes her husband is going through some sort of mid-life crisis.

Forgive me, I have given far too much away. If you have read this far you probably can see where this predictable plot is headed. Reconciliation, silly family counseling moments, picketing, surgery, teen angst, a lesson in money management, fad dieting, secret appearances by Tom Cruise and Mike Myers, and an insight into the side effects of feminism. If you have money to burn and time to kill, I would highly encourage viewing this 3D masterpiece.

*Do not eat 12 hours prior to viewing this movie. If you are pregnant or plan on getting pregnant, this movie may not be suitable for you. People with Epilepsy are not required to wear the 3D glasses provided at most theaters. If you are prone to seizures, The Bucket List II is a great movie alternative.

2 comments on “Scream! You’ve Got Mail.

  1. DD Riley
    February 27, 2010

    MRPH this is out of control. And i want my copy of Never Been Fucked back.

  2. Fartlos
    March 4, 2010

    Hey, Tom Hanks, I know him! Turner and Hooch style!

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This entry was posted on February 26, 2010 by in All the Funny Things.

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