Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Single People Snacks

When it comes the art of snacking and the foods involved I consider myself somewhat of a professional. Many a meal I have substituted with a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, or frozen gummy worms tossed with a bushel of rosemary Triskets, followed by a pack of red tipped candy cigarettes, then washed down with a 24oz gulp of a Pepsi/Powerade protein shake.

With a snacking background as colorful as mine, you must understand my disappointment when I was made to endure the skimpy stacks of a Pepperidge Farm product on the holiest of holy snacking days.

Dinner was digesting in swollen stomachs and since mom decided to make a Squash and Zucchini pie instead of the obviously all-American apple pie there were five stuffed people itching for a fix to calm a Super Bowl sweet tooth. Even the Chex Mix bag was void of chocolate chips.

After a few minutes of obnoxious prodding my dad finally decided he had no other option but to reveal his secret snack stash and share his sweets with the four lazy girls sprawled on the couch.

Ready for a round of stuffed faced cookie race, I was somewhat surprised when he returned with a lousy bag of Genevas. My dismay was well-known when I blurted out, “What, are there like twelve cookies in that bag?”

At first I felt bad for being so unappreciative, but for God’s sake it was Super Bowl Sunday. I was expecting some type of gorgeable portion of Oreos or the crunchy thigh of a helpless Kebbler Elf. Even a bag of stale vanilla wafers would have been preferable to the nut-coated crap.

I scoffed at the oval-shaped confections and reduced my father’s stash to a single person’s snack.  Did I mention that they were hidden Anne Frank-style above the stove so the cookies were melted, dripping chocolate and the puny nuts into my lap?

Seriously though, if you live in a household with more than three people, at least have the courtesy to provide a sugary snack that can be eaten by the handful. Finger cookies are for single people who have time to daintily dunk their snacks in kitty cat coffee mugs.

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This entry was posted on February 9, 2010 by in All the Funny Things.

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