Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Yes, You May Sign My Neck Brace

Like most unskilled extreme sports enthusiasts, I find myself once again in the clutches of a neck brace. Sadly mine is not in place because I jumped out of an airplane while canoeing backwards down the Nile with a crocodile clenched between my teeth, it is shamefully strapped around my bobble neck because I awkwardly lifted a crate of milk.

The first time I was wrapped in a foam neck support, after a nasty collision with the hood of an ill manned 1998 Oldsmobile, I was defiant in the use of the hideous contraption. Who wants to troll the town in such an obvious display of weakness? Today is a different story and I find myself snug in my new neck brace, embracing the relaxing side effects and stability that the sturdy Headmaster Cervical Collar offers.

Instead of hiding behind the walls of my home in utter fear of being spotted in the orthopedic eyesore there is a newfound desire to traipse through the village in attempts to garner uplifting words and soft hugs from my fellow citizens. There is something quite pathetic about this approach to healing, but hey, sometimes you have to mix alcohol with muscle relaxers and see what happens.

With all of the kind looks and gentle back rubs that come with this injury there are definitely a few downfalls that make the experience a little bit of a bummer. First off, there is no glory in sitting on the sidelines when all of your friends are zooming around in go-carts and dodging paintballs at a local fun zone. Watching everyone ride bikes down the lane while you sit in a dilapidated porch swing is about as boring as watching dirt turn to mud. Limited mobility really isn’t all it is cracked up to be.

Other than the few pitfalls listed above, having a pillow wrapped around your neck is pretty much a great thing. Waiters usually fill your water glass first at restaurants, and cutting in line at the grocery store is never frowned upon when it is done by a person in such a precarious state. Pride must be put aside in times of injury that involve bulky rehabilitation equipment, so I say embrace the brace and let anyone who asks sign your neck cast.

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This entry was posted on January 26, 2010 by in All the Funny Things.

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