Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Early Twenty-Ten Resolutions

In fine fashion, like my dear friend Natty Bratty C, I am proposing a loose list of 2010 New Year’s resolutions. Last year it was the expulsion of Lone Star beer from my diet. The metallic taste and the gunky diarrhea that ensued after a night of cheap drinking was enough to repulse my taste for the $2 booze.

As much as I wanted to live up to my promise to publicly diss the Lone Star label at any and all events, my attempt came up short one fine Sunday afternoon when I unknowingly sipped on some of the vile liquid that was being pumped from a free keg. From that mid-May moment on I was back on the road to many mornings sitting on the toilet with the Lone Star shits.

This year, instead of putting all of my energy into one lousy resolution, I intend to declare a slew of Do’s and Don’ts that should better help me and those around me through this futuristic New Year.

Resolution #1: Talk more shit about people – It is my opinion that people are utter crap. Not all of them, but most. It is this bad bunch of apples that make daily navigation and negotiation a real pain in the ass. Dumb questions, horrible driving skills, poor telephone etiquette, lazy walking, picky eating habits, allegiance to fictional/digital worlds, extreme over indulgence in scarf wearing, and an aversion to baby laughter and common sense are absolute signs that something is seriously not right. So be ready Ed Hardy lads and texting-while-driving ladies, I will criticize and scrutinize your every move.

Resolution #2: Less potty mouth talk –Unlike the display of poor vocabulary skills above, from this moment on, I vow to curb my usage of cuss words while describing everything from pooping concerns to noble pursuits. Certain slag terms that have no phonetic value will be hushed, allowing for new ways of expression to be explored.

When describing a bowel movement I will simply say, “Well, I am off to take a grunt,” or “Grunt, I burned down the observatory!” The phrase ‘shut the fuck up’ will be substituted with a more mellow, “Let’s pipe it down old fellow, the women are playing cards in the drawing-room.” An ass is now to be called a double dinner roll rump bump.

Resolution #3: Never go to a movie billed as a Dramedy – The two resolutions above are major steps towards better New Year’s living, but the third and final one is of great importance. There is only so much one can take. Who in their right mind would want to see Adam Sandler looking sad on-screen because he has a terminal disease, or Drew Barrymore acting grumpy because her son was taken by a robust CPS agent, or Jim Carey carrying a dangerous secret on an uptown train with a blue haired passenger reading his thoughts? I have seen the previews and I am not interested. Either make me laugh or make me cry. The two just don’t mix.

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This entry was posted on December 5, 2009 by in All the Funny Things.

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