Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
Legends surround us. Whether they be tall or small, their presence stays with us even after we have moved on from the mythological hold they once had on our imaginations. The Ladies of Smear searched thoroughly through the treasure trove of living legends that we both admired are were inspired by.
After hours of research and reminiscing in a Golden Corral parking lot, we firmly feel that these are the four greatest legends of all time.
Glowstick Mary- Swish! Swish! Her JNCO’s can still be heard roaming the porter routes at a local place of business. In an unorthodox fashion statement that shook an entire grocery store staff, this young woman with a Stewie Griffin tattoo unabashedly lolly gagged about the premises with a Ravers pacifier jammed between her lips. She was sloppy in her work, but confident in her convictions. The day before Thanksgiving she saved three siblings from slipping into a small pond sized wine spill at the front of the store. Once she took revenge on a crossed co-worker by smearing a slanderous slur about her across a mural in the smoker’s lounge. A week later she quite her job in trashy fashion and disappeared into the unemployment abyss. Legend has it that Glowstick now works at the largest Mr. Gatti’s pizza play land in Sugarland, Texas. Chomp-Chomp, can’t stop.
Rollerblading Tony Danza- Back in 2004, a long forgotten sitcom star was awarded a daytime talk show for his continued commitment to the Cheesy Italian Actors Association. That star was Tony Danza. The Tony Danza Show premiered with little excitement among the entertainment community, but garnered steady viewership after Tony survived a vicious go-cart accident that left his hair piece in tattered shreds. Tony foolishly dueled a NASCAR driver to a competitive round of Go-Cart Chicken Chase on the celebration of his tenth show. As Mr. Danza took the third and final lap, he lost control of the wheel and flipped the tiny vehicle. His helmet less head was bashed against the pavement repeatedly.
After six weeks in a partial coma at the NBC Hospital Studios, Danza finally returned to his hosting duties on his 54th birthday. The first episode upon his return featured the Danz Man in a pair of vintage Rollerblades in Central Park. The day was windy, the orange flags of The Gates flapped in agitation, and the finish line was at the end of the smooth pathway. Danza was about to race world-class Rollerblade champion, Douche Rider.
With two strides to go, Danza lost control of his feet and scissor slid right into a pole. His junk was tangled and his pride was hurt. The debate as to whether he is a legend or a loser is still being discussed in nursing home common rooms across the globe.
Olmec- He picks no favorites. Stomp your foot first, answer correctly and you could have a chance to go face to face with Temple guards, camo netting, falling foam boulders, and a shot at wining a chunky Mac installed with a free year of AOL 3.0. Rather you be a silver snake, blue barracuda or purple monkey, Olmec is the ultimate decider of your fate.
Paul Pfeiffer– He is NOT Marilyn Manson!