Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Vagabond Treasure

hippies-go-home-1If you live in a city or town with a large college population you have probably come in contact with a Vagabond Treasure. By my definition, a Vagabond Treasure is a young person who dabbles in the hippie lifestyle for the purposes of wavy fashion and justification for not brushing their hair or bathing. They usually roam in packs three to six deep with a towering dread head as the passive aggressive leader. On the streets they play the role of pennie pinching poor people but get them in an organic grocery store and they will buy up the priciest plate of raw patchouli wrapped in lightly salted seaweed.

Obviously I am opposed to this type of lifestyle, but because I come in contact with them all the time I have learned to treasure the humor that their idiocy offers. Watching them clog clop about with that look of moral superiority in their stance absolutely blows my mind every time I see it up close.

A good example of this blindingly oblivious way of life was exposed yesterday as I watched a vagabond troop shop for earthy snacks and beverages. The two girls looked young enough to still be enamored with Hello Kitty and celebrity hunk wall collages. Instead they were draped in ankle length quilt skirts and the slinky mid-drift tops revealed unflattering belly rings. Infection should have been a concern for the brunette, but her mellow mood made hygiene a non issue. The man that trailed behind had his troll toes covered by Birkenstock clogs. His cutoff overalls led me to believe that he might be on the verge of wading into a shallow creek to retrieve a funky glass bottle or a dolphin shaped wood chip.

After listening to them discuss the pros and cons of black tea versus green tea for upwards of fifteen minutes they finally made a decision and went for the all natural celery water. As they gathered their goods and proceeded to leave I glanced into the hand basket that the man was holding only to spy a 2010 calendar called ‘The Power of Now’. I wanted to snatch the calendar from him, bust it over his hippie hat skull and say, “Are you serious, buddy? Do you realize that you are about to pay $15.99 for a calender that preaches the power of the ‘now’ to track the days of tomorrow and beyond? You are as bland as that vegan spring roll you are about to eat. I hope you choke on that crap, sucka!”

Considering I was in the position of employee and not a fellow shopper, I kept my mouth shut and let the dirty hobbits go about their business. Keep your eyes open and your nose pinched, my friends, because like pubic lice at a laundry mat, Vagabond Treasures are all around us.hippies

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One comment on “Vagabond Treasure

  1. D
    October 22, 2009

    Rotting pumkin butt, keep snipping those dreadies one stinky dread at a time

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This entry was posted on October 22, 2009 by in All the Funny Things.

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