Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
With each rotation of the sun, and the moon, and the stars comes a new set of fact based predictions for everyone with a birthday. Whether you were born on the bayou or under a bad moon, these horrorscopes might come in handy as you try to navigate through the wicked waters of life.
Banshee- If if seems like the cosmos let you down last month get ready for a real nosedive this 31 day period. Those dark, puffy bags under your eyes and the loosely hanging skin is a reality and it is not attractive. Stay away from your own reflection, the opposite sex, tight fitting jeans, flaming hot food, large bodies of water, thong style underwear, dudes on stilts, and the gleeful laughter of children.
Scarecrow- Being dumb, clumsy, and scrawny is never an easy thing to deal with but it sure beats the hell out of being a heartless heathen. It is time to take that stuffing out of your bra or jock strap and come to terms with the extra room in your garments. Embrace your wispy willow frame and tumble through the days with the confidence only ignorance can offer.
Aquarium- From the inside looking out it must seem like a ton more fun but let me advise you, the dryer species is not always the most jovial. That hollow log and mote surrounded medieval castle were placed on those colorful water rocks for a reason…Duh. Continue to bob and weave through the shallow waves created by the tip tapping of a child’s finger and enjoy the smudged view from within.
Uncle Leo-You are a burden on your family and a nuisance to society. The towering stacks of newspapers in your bedroom are most definitely a fire hazard, and the smell emanating from your hemorrhoid cream smothered butthole is causing your family great distress at the dinner table. Keep your mouth and your butt shut at all times or that Death Panel might just give you the thumbs down.
Genesis- Well, it turns out you still can’t dance. The strange woman you violently grind danced all over Saturday night at Club Shark Tank wants child support and a new designer dress from Forever 21, pronto. Those moves may have been acceptable back in 1992, but get with the times and drop the cool dad act.