Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Eat Fast, Die Young PT.3


Round #1: All the More Reason To Hate Children

Brand: Kid Cuisine

Dish #1: Dip and Dunk Pizza Strips
If one could have a more satisfying eating experience from a chomp of cellophane and a chug of champagne beer then yes, we have a problem with this first meal. I may act like a six year old but my taste buds are wise like the mythical Third Fat Lady.

Admittedly my initial expectations for this meal were set quite high. As a swaddling youth the colorful box and clip art duck convinced me that this was the meal for me, but the fruit flavored gummy snacks that now replace the sticky brownie let me know that those glitter sprinkled days are officially over.

More than the visual disappointment that was Kid Cuisine, the sorry side dishes, especially the boring cream corn, were enough to make me accept the polished flavors of adulthood. Honestly, the cheese on the pizza strip was chokingly thick and tasted like rubbery toilet water. This meal proved bite for bite to be an all around bad beginning to an otherwise exciting food exploration.

Dish #2: Cheeseburger Builder
Faced with the hamburger meal on a blue platter tray, I proceeded to cut into a beef patty that was dripping with an excessive amount of warm grease. There was a chemical smell emanating from the patty and as soon as it hit my mouth I detected a metallic taste, similar to that of day old turkey. Where bun and patty met there was a green hue that reminded me of my old summer camp Gangrene wounds. My second Miller High Life was not even enough to wash away the French fry side dish, which seemed to be made from a horrid potato peel paste. Sick to the max.
-Young Guns-

Dish #3: “Bug Safari” Chicken Breast Nuggets
The cartoon duck sporting a nifty safari hat accompanied by awesome shaped chicken nuggets catches my imagination immediately. Unfortunately the preparation required to properly make this meal was far beyond the skill of any toddler I know. When all was said and done, the aroma that swirled from the microwave induced saliva. The portions were on par and the mac was beautiful. The nugs may have been a bit spongy and the secret sauce really turned out to be ketchup, but the creamy centered gummy treats as a dessert made the meal a winner.
-kid killowatt-

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This entry was posted on October 10, 2009 by in Smear Stuff.

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