Smear Campaign

Turning Shit into Gold since 2006

Eat Fast, Die Young PT.2

fatThe Food Experts:

Since childhood I have had an addictive personality when it comes to condiments. After finding love on a one-way street, only to lose it in a two-way Segway sideswipe accident I became an uncontrollable empty calorie consumer, ballooning to a bedpost shattering 742 pounds.

Throughout my two-year struggle with obesity I consumed massive amounts of frozen foods and Zebra cakes. With the help from my amazingly supportive life/acting/heat yoga coach, Randal Peeves, I have been able to pull myself out of my Doritio juice soaked mire and get back in the swing of things.

Now that my weight is under control, I am proud to be a purveyor of such Smear tactics. Along with my brave fellow food scientists, kid killowatt and Young Guns, I hope this collaboration will allow for maximum dinning pleasure when dabbling in food of the frozen persuasion.

Young Guns-
I have always been a burrito kind of guy. My food writing career began as a food critic for a nationally known newspaper that dealt with the higher echelon of cuisine. Although my taste buds were pleased and my palette pacified, I always had a penchant for the lower class fare and looked longingly at oozing 88 cent Patio enchilada delicacies. Much to the displeasure of my editor, I had a nasty habit of always choosing the lowest priced item on the menu, no matter how fancy the restaurant. After years of choking down levitating crepes and Flamming Mignon I decided to quit my writing gig with the newspaper, diving fork first into the underbelly of the food world.

Now with five stomach churning years under my belt the time has finally come for me to join other like-minded connoisseurs of the forgotten art that is the frozen meal…because yes, it is indeed an art form.

kid killowatt
My mother was an Iowa farm girl, who in turn, reared me on a meat and potato “home cooked” meals diet. A frozen dinner was a rare treat in my barn-shaped household. When we were not roasting pheasants in our corncob fireplace, we got the opportunity to prop out the mahogany television trays to enjoy some microwavable goodness.

Later in life the microwavable meal would become an important means of substance, which afforded me the drinking and drug lifestyle I so thoroughly enjoy. This is a special cause close to my heart and I hope the findings we swallow will help future generations understand the pleasures found in artificial colorings and hydrogenated fats.

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This entry was posted on October 10, 2009 by in Smear Stuff.

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