Turning Shit into Gold since 2006
Round #2: It’s Banquet Time!
Dish #1: Corn Dogs
From Five Easy Pieces to five Shipley’s Donuts, in 2001, when Sally Struthers demanded a delicious brownie snack from her trainer on the set of her workout video, she was definitely shouting about this one. Never have my nostrils been so aroused. The aroma was delicately palpable and the sight of the perfectly cooked chocolate concoction became almost arousing. All was fine and dandy until the gooey junk gunked up my pipes. Thankfully there was just enough moisture to allow for complete food particle passage.
Accompanied by a delightful dipping sauce, most likely expired astronaut ketchup, the fried potatoes were surprisingly tasty and continued to play tricks in my mouth long after digestion. Banquet, I beg you, stand more confidently behind your products and drop the smoke screen that silently swirls above each displayed dish. Heat one up for yourself and you’ll taste what I mean.
Dish #2: Sliced Beef
The airbrushed steam rising from the cardboard mashed potatoes made my food boner pop with delight, but the beef smelled and tasted like second rate cat food. The patty clocked in at a measly 2% cow. The consistency of the contents felt like Cream of Wheat, yet they consumed 55% of my daily allowance of sodium.
In spite of all of its flaws, the peas were actually spot on.
Dish #3: Swedish Meatballs
Nothing pulls my heartstrings quite like a hunk of frozen meatballs trapped under a thin film of plastic. Banquet fucking nailed it! This dish will only cost you 88 cents and simply requires a 1100-watt microwave to complete perfection. Of all the meals sampled through this calorie packed gamut of frozen food consumption, this is the one that left each panelist wanting more.This delicious export from my homeland can only be described as the breath of angels.